Harry Potter and the Editor's Revenge
by preciselypotter
Summary: Out of character behavior. Bizarre plotlines. Spelling and grammar errors. Crossover impossibilities. Pointless hookups. If any of these bother you, come get a dose of mockery medicine. Warning: nonsensical story for parody purposes only. Flamers welcome.


**This is totally not like anything I've ever written for fanfiction before, but really, it was a long time coming. Everything I mock, I mock out of frustration. Absolutely **_**nothing**_** belongs to me in this fic. Just the sense of humor, but even then it's slightly punctuated by other things I've read on here. So, if you find yourself getting frustrated by random authors and what they write (or how they write), this just might be a healthy dose of medicine for you!**

Insert cool page break here

Harry Potter and the Editor's Revenge

by Kneel Before Todd

Harry strolled down a random corridor in Hogwarts, his messy hair elongated from movie four and his eyes an ever-changing mix from green to brown to blue. Occasionally, his eyes would turn red, but that was only when he was being possessed by Lord Voldemort.

"Harry!" Ron cried out, appearing out of nowhere at his friend's side, but supposedly had been there the entire time. "Hermione wants to know if you're available for some DA tonight."

The Boy Who Lived, whose name did not include hyphens when addressed such, grinned and said, "Defiantly."

His red-haired friend frowned. "Defiantly? Are you being defiant and arguing with Hermione?"

"No," Harry tried to explain. "I'm not arguing with her. I said I'll defiantly be there."

"So you're going to be there, but have an attitude about it?" Ron asked, puzzled.

Harry went red with frustration. "No, Ron. I will be there, being positive, without a doubt."

"Oh… so you mean you'll be there definitely," Ron translated.

"That's what I said, defiantly."

Ron cringed. "Whose writing you today?" he asked.

"Don't you mean, who _is_ writing me today?" Harry corrected.

"That was the basic idea, yeah," Ron said, blushing.

Harry shrugged. "I don't know. Some girl who likes me with longish hair – you remember my haircut from the fourth movie? Yeah, she writes my name without hyphens. It's pretty cool to be recognized for who I am for once."

"Yeah," Ron laughed. "The hyphens are what Voldemort get when people call him You-Know-Who. Except, then they get that confused with He Who Must Not Be Named."

"Aren't you supposed to be terrified if someone says Voldemort?" Harry said.

Ron screamed like a pansy. "Don't say his name!"

"But… you…"

Ron was clutching his chest, breathing hard. "You know better than to say Voldy's name in front of me, Harry," he said.

Harry frowned. "Why do we use silly nicknames for the Voldster?" he asked philosophically.

"You know, Harry," Ron said, "That's a very good question. I wonder if we're taking the whole 'do not fear a name itself' thing a little to far."

"A little 'too' far," Harry corrected.

"I did say 'a little to far,'" Ron argued.

"No, Ron. 'To' is a prepositional noun," Hermione corrected, strolling up out of nowhere. "The word you're looking for has two o's."

"Have you ever thought that there are too many to's?" Ron said.

Harry shook his head. "I learned all that in second grade."

Hermione frowned at him. "What are you on about, Harry? You were never in second grade! That's the American learning system, and this is Britain!"

"My American author has no idea what the British learning system is, okay?" he snapped at her, suddenly turning into emotional!Harry. "Just leave me alone. You don't understand me! No one understands me!"

"Oh, boy," Ron muttered.

"Here we go again," Hermione agreed.

Just then, in a fit of total random happening which would never possibly happen in the books, Luscious Malfoy strode through the front doors. Apparently that was exactly where Harry and his friends, dubbed by fans the Golden Trio, were walking/standing around, the author forgot to clarify.

"Hello, Hermione," Luscious said silkily, as though he didn't think she was dirt under his shoe.

"I'm confused," Harry muttered, returned to normal as though emotional!Harry had never existed.

"Me too," Hermione said. "Why is he talking to me like that?"

Harry shook his head. "No, no that," he said. "I'm wondering why Mr Malfoy's lips are suddenly a gross exaggeration of Angelina Jolie's. I mean, they're… luscious."

"Well, that's his name, isn't it?" Ron said.

"Actually, no," Hermione corrected. "His name is Lucius Malfoy, which is a derivative from Lucifer, one of the devil's many names. The Original Author –" all bowed down as golden light and a hallelujah chorus appeared briefly "– had fun with the play on words."

"Hermione," Lucius Malfoy repeated with some impatience, "This is the part where you excuse yourself from your friends and join me for a tumble in the dungeons!"

"I'm afraid that's not going to happen," Hermione told him calmly.

The blond man looked affronted. "But we just had hot bondage sex at my house last week!" he said. "Don't you remember?"

"Mr Malfoy, that's in the smutty, totally improbable plotline section," she explained. "This is the canon but badly written section."

"So what am I supposed to do now?" Lucius Malfoy asked.

"You're supposed to hate me because I'm supposedly inferior since my parents weren't wizards."

"Oh," he said, a light bulb appearing above his head. "So, then, which of you three is dating my son Draco?"

Harry and Ron yelped at the disturbing idea, and clung to each other in fear.

"I see," Lucius said, nodding with a sneer. "You two are together, so it can't be either of you. Good, I was hoping he's straight."

Harry and Ron yelped at the disturbing idea, and jumped away from each other in fear.

Hermione patted each of them on the shoulder. "Mr Malfoy, if you must know, Ron and I have Unresolved Sexual Tension in this book, and Harry has an on-off relationship with Cho Chang. Draco has sort of a thing for Pansy Parkinson at the moment."

"Why are you calling him Draco?" Ron asked hysterically. "His name's Malfoy! Unless… you're harboring a secret relationship with him that you tell none of us about, in which you two meet up and he shows a completely out of character side?"

"No, of course not Ronald," she said sarcastically. "I was _actually_ sorted into Slytherin although I'm muggle-born, and 'Draco' and I get along well because he's not out of character but I am, and we use each other to kill off people we don't like and have hot and pointless sex in random parts of the castle, most especially broom closets."

Harry gasped. "I _knew_ that fanfiction story wasn't lying!"

Hermione growled with frustration. "No, that's not true! And for the record, I do not have a relationship with Luna, Ginny, Harry, Lucius, Draco, Blaise, Severus, Remus, Sirius, James, Cho, Lavendar, Professor McGonagall, or anyone else you can dream up!"

"What about Victor Krum?" Ron asked eagerly.

"No, that was only a sub-plotline to get you to notice me as a girl and subsequently find me attractive."

"But what about me?" Harry said, panicked. "What relationships am _I _not in?"

"Well, at this point you're not with Ginny, but that will change soon," Hermione said, consulting _Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince_.

He sighed. "That's it?"

"Well, no," Hermione continued. "You're also not with Ron, Draco, Lucius, Luna, Dean, Seamus, Neville, Cho in a little bit, Remus, Sirius, James, Severus, Dumbledore, Mrs Weasley, Fred, George, Charlie, Bill, Tonks, Salazar Slytherin, Voldemort, or random slutty girls. Oh, and you're not with fangirls who imagine themselves being thrown into the Harry Potter universe to get with you."

Harry whipped out a mirror. "You whore!" he said to his reflection, then put the mirror away.

Ron frowned. "You get with your own dad?" he asked, horrified.

"Apparently not," Harry said. "That was the 'your not with' list."

"Don't you mean, 'you're not with' list?" Ron said.

"That's what I said, your."

"No, not your as in belonging to you, you're as in you are," Hermione snapped.

"Enough!" Luscious – whoops, Lucius – Malfoy roared. "If I'm not here to randomly be in a relationship with one of you three, then why am I here?"

"Most likely to abuse your son," Harry said wisely.

Mr Malfoy looked affronted. "I don't abuse my son!" he said. "That's a rumor from the angst/hurt/comfort section!"

Harry winced. "Sorry."

Ron frowned. "Hold on, Harry. You're supposed to be acting abnormally cocky and full of yourself, telling Lucius Malfoy about how much more superior you are to Voldy-Moldy Shorts and all of the Death Eaters right now."

"Right," Harry amended, and quickly transformed into what he thought was cocky!Harry. "Bring it, foo'!" he shouted. "I take you down! Dis' _my_ hood!"

"No, no, no," Ron argued. "That's gangster!Harry. Try power-hungry!Harry."

"Sorry." Quick shift into swaggering git that no one likes. "I am _so_ much better than the Dark Lord," he boasted. "I could defeat him any time I liked. _He's_ the one hiding from _me_."

Hermione sighed, saying to herself, "What crazy C-minus writer dreamed this up?"

Out of nowhere, Draco Malfoy and Ginny walked onto the scene, holding hands and giggling.

"No!" Hermione shouted. "I'm sorry, this just won't do!"

The couple looked at her strangely. "What do you mean?" Ginny asked.

"You two aren't together. The Original Author –" pause for heavenly worship "– never planned anything like this out. You hate each other!"

The two quickly stopped holding hands and walked away from each other. "Well, now what?" Draco Malfoy asked uncomfortably. "I can't go off and preen myself, and this isn't a story where I get together with Harry after having a crush on him for years. I haven't even become randomly sexy and appealing!"

"It's alright son," Lucius reassured him. "At least _your_ wife isn't having an affair with Severus Snape."

"But neither is yours!" Hermione said. "Snape is in love with Harry's mum, only we don't find that out until the end of _Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows_."

"I must say, that explains a lot and nothing at the same time," Harry noted, normal again.

Ron groaned. "Is there a point to this story?" he asked the author.

**Of course there is a point!** the author replied. No one batted an eye. **The point is to provide tribute to the Original Author!**

Ginny shrugged. "Sounds like a boring, anti-climactic chit-chat between random characters for no reason kind of story to me, but hey. What do I know."

"Ginny," some random boy shouted over. "We're late!"

"Late for what?" she called back.

"We're supposed to be having over-the-top sexual experimentation right now so that when you get together with Harry Potter in a smut fic you know just what to do!"

Ginny nodded. "That sounds about right." She skipped off.

Hermione was the only one who remembered that Ginny was fourteen-almost-fifteen in the fifth book, and had appropriate disgust for the situation.

"That reminds me," Harry said. "I have to go find Cho so we can shag like bunnies even though we only ever kiss in this book so I can say I'm not a virgin once I actually get with Ginny and we have a lot of deleted scenes in the sixth book fanfiction authors will eventually write for their hormonal benefit."

Hermione wanted to strangle something.

Harry walked off, and Ron pulled her away from Draco and Lucius Malfoy. "I have to tell you something," he said.

"Sure, Ronald," she said, trying to retain her sanity. "What is it?"

He hesitated. "I feel sexually threatened by Victor Krum," he said.

"Well, that's alright," she told him.

"It is?"

"Of course," said Hermione. "You're right on schedule with the books. Now all you need to do is hook up with Lavendar Brown in book six, infuriating me beyond belief, and then eventually show me that you're the right guy for me to spend the rest of my life with."

Ron groaned. "Can't we just hook up now?" he pleaded.

She hit him over the head with the largest book she could find, _Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix_. "Of course not! Do you want to defy the Original Author's –" clouds pull aside to reveal shining sun and trumpet-playing angels "– planning?"

"No," he said slowly.

"And anyways, you're supposed to be an under-emotionally developed teenage boy," she concluded.

Ron looked downtrodden. "So, when _do_ we hook up?"

Hermione consulted her Harry Potter Lexicon timeline. "In the last chapters of _Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows_."

"What the –" insert string of non-canon curse words "That's over two years from now! We're only in _Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix_!"

"It's Phoenix," she corrected.

"That's what I said, pheonix!"

"No, you've got the 'o' and the 'e' mixed up!" said Hermione.

Ron turned red, which clashed with his unnaturally movie-red hair. "Well, its easier to type it that way," he muttered.

"Ron, I hate to correct you on this…" Hermione laughed. "Oh, who am I kidding? I love to correct you on this! You said Its, which means belonging to it. You meant to say It's, which means it is."

"See, there you have a point," he agreed. However, he suddenly turned into dominant and in control!Ron, who shouted, "You don't have to tell me that stuff! No one who reads fanfiction actually cares about grammar and stuff!"

**Actually, I do,** the author said. **That's one of the reasons I wrote this fic, anyway.**

"Yeah, well…" Ron trailed off, back to his normal, awkward self.

Hermione shook her head. "Don't worry about that," she said.

He sighed. "And you're sure that we can't suddenly turn into supersexy!Ron and supersexy!Hermione? We wouldn't have to tell a soul; no one would know we cheated on the timeline!"

"As much as I like becoming supersexy!Hermione, that alter-ego lands me in situations like the one we just had."

"Like Luscious/Lucius Malfoy walking randomly into the school?"

"That's the one," she said. "Now, I'm off to go have over the top promiscuous sex with Neville, Dean, and Seamus, but not invite you even though I imagine each of those boys in turn is actually you instead. Don't worry, it doesn't have any relevance to the plot whatsoever."

Ron stared as she walked off.

"Don't worry Weasley, you can be my love slave," Draco Malfoy offered from behind him.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!" Ron screamed, begging the author to save him.

**Yeah, sorry Ron. This is the part where we put in a totally random and out of character slash sex scene. You're on your own.**

"What other options are there?" he begged as Malfoy dragged him to the dungeons and chained him to a Tempur-Pedic bed that was there for no reason.

**The only other option is a dark!Harry sequence.**

"Pick that one! Pick that one!" Ron screamed as Malfoy turned on Marvin Gaye's _Let's Get It On_.

Insert cool page break here

Scene cuts to:

Dark!Harry stands upon a rock in the middle of an ocean, looking over at the main land. A village is burning, people are screaming, and he lets out a hysterical laugh.

"No, Potter, it's 'mwah-ha-ha,' not 'tee-hee-hee,'" says Lord Voldemort irritably. "Start being a good apprentice."

"Sorry, master," dark!Harry says, "This is a little strange for me. I'm in the present tense now, you know. Not to mention I spent all of my life rejecting the dark arts and everything they stood for, only now completely and 180 degrees rotating my beliefs because my author thought it would make for a semi-used interesting plotline."

"It's perfectly understandable, Potter," sensitive!Voldemort tells him. "After all, my author made me into a caring being who always wanted his only threat of being destroyed to become his favored apprentice and son."

Dark!Harry nods, watching the waves crash below him. "You know, this is very deja-vu."

"How do you mean, my beloved son?" sensitive!Voldemort asks kindly.

"Well, in the sixth movie the opening scene in the trailers were usually of Dumbledore and I standing on a rock just like this, looking at the cave where you kept the locket Horcrux," he responds. "We even had the same creepy music that's playing right now."

Sensitive!Voldemort cringes. "Sorry about that, once mortal enemy." He waves furiously at the orchestra, who immediately puts away their instruments.

"Yeah," dark!Harry says, "Me and Dumbledore went through a lot before I became randomly evil."

"Dumbledore and I," corrects sensitive!Voldemort.

"That's what I said, a booty trap!"

"Wha –" his former mortal enemy and now father-like figure for no clear reason says, confused. "No, no, no, we are not doing crossovers with _The Goonies_, is that understood?"

Suddenly the _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_ theme starts up, and Buffy Summers appears on the rock. "Harry, come with me!" she shouts. "We need to go slay a huge bunch of vampires, and my show ended so I have to do it in your universe!"

"You're too late!" dark!Harry shouts back. "I'm in an alternate universe with an alter-ego!"

Frodo Baggins materializes beside her, the soundtrack quickly switching to that of _The Lord of the Rings_. "For some reason, I need you to come to Mount Doom with me!" he calls. "It's not just _my_ destiny anymore – my movie franchise ended in 2003 and yours is still going strong!"

Harry suddenly returns to normal, realizing the error of his two minute long ways. "Well, who do I help first?" he calls out.

"I think Buffy is in a little more immediate danger, but don't take too long," Frodo says.

"Thank you Frodo," Buffy says. "I haven't seen you since I protected you from Sauron's pet vampire in that last crossover."

The _Star Wars_ theme comes on as Luke Skywalker runs up the rock, lightsaber in hand. "Harry, there's not much time before the Emperor comes. I need your help!"

"Why don't we all just work together and mess up our universes even more?" Harry suggests.

They all look at each other and nod.

"Harry, before you go," sensitive!Voldemort cries, "I have to tell you something!"

Luke shakes his head. "Damn," he mutters to himself, "I think I know where this is heading. George isn't going to like this copyright infringement at all."

"What?" Harry asks bravely.

"I am your father!" Lord Voldemort, now back to somewhat normal, says in a terrifying, computer altered voice by James Earl Jones.

"NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-"

"Hey!" Luke Skywalker interrupts. "It's not supposed to go on for that long!"

"Sorry," Harry apologizes sheepishly. "So how the hell are we getting out of here?"

"_Use the force, Luke_," a mysterious voice says out of nowhere.

Luke groans. "He follows me _everywhere_," he grumbles to Buffy.

"Look on the bright side. He's not as bad as Giles," Buffy responds, whipping out a few stakes. To the author, she says, "So, is it Mount Doom, Sunnydale, or a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away?"

**To be honest,** the author admits, blushing, **I did a classic fanfiction crossover error and backed myself into a hole where no amount of writing could make even a semi plausible escape route.**

"But none of this story is semi plausible anyway!" Frodo shouts. "Can't you think of anything to get us off this rock?"

**I'm not sure… wait! I've got it!**

Green numbers appear everywhere, and Neo flies down from the skies in his black suit.

Randomly, Lord Voldemort whips out a gun and says, "Hello, Mr Anderson," in a decidedly Hugo Weaving style. He fires several shots at Neo, who holds up his hand and makes the bullets stop in midair.

Neo tries to grin but fails to have the emotional capacity, and looks around. No one is very impressed.

"I liked it better when you did the bending over backwards thing," Buffy says.

"Yeah, the second and third films totally ripped us off with that," Frodo agrees.

"Whatever, you guys," he says. "I'm here to take you out of the Matrix and end this story of too many crossovers. Are we all ready to go?"

The general consensus is yes. Neo almost has enough facial manipulation skills to smile, and then green numbers appear and the five random main characters turn into digital data.

Cut to black.

Insert cool page break here

**And maybe, just maybe, I'll do a few more chapters if I find anything else that really pisses me off about Harry Potter fanfiction. Flames are sooo welcome! Bring it on! If you feel the need to defend anything I made fun of in this fic, then I really and truly pity you.**


End file.
